When it comes to nerve-shattering explosions, New Year's Eve in Denver might be worse than the Fourth of July.
You've got the fireworks. Plus the 120-decibel um-cha um-cha of club music. The revving engines of hotrods, low-riders and muffler-free motorcycle gangs. Add your screaming friends, blasting champagne bottles, and screeching sirens of bleary-eyed first responders struggling to do damage control.
All the while, your dogs will be barking. Your cats will be yowling. And so will you, begging them to be quiet. But they won't be able to hear you above the din.
Just like your panicked turtle, whose head is somewhere inside its stomach, you will hide under the covers until the apocalyptic soirees have settled.
By the time you peek from your shell to assess the damage, your pup will have jumped the fence and run away, your old dog will have eaten your couch, your kittens will be hiding in a dumpster, and your ferret will have overdosed on your grandpa's cocaine that you begged him not to bring into the house again.
Or, you can do as Denver Animal Protection suggests, and prepare.
For starters, New Year's Eve is not the night to let your cat wander the alley and your dog to bask in the starlight (or smog, depending on where you live). Instead, plan to keep your pets inside.
"Keep your pets in a safe area at home with a bed, food, water, and a new toy to play with," Tammy Vigil, a spokesperson for Denver Animal Protection, wrote in a statement. "Play soothing music to drown out loud noises. You can also turn on a TV or a white noise machine."
Maybe not a war flick. And by "white noise machine," we're pretty sure the city doesn't mean the Nordic dad-rock death-metal band that never ceases to practice next door and hasn't played a show in 13 years. But it's a death metal band, and 13 just might bring them luck in the New Year.
The city suggests you get a jump start on your New Year's resolution to exercise more. When Saturday comes, take your dogs for a jog on the trails (or the alley) and make your cats chase a ribbon on a stick for at least half an hour. You might wear them out by the time the noise begins. Even better, you might wear yourself out, too, saving you all the money you'd burn on champagne and stitches from your annual scooter crash.
Have you updated your dog's tags and microchip lately? If not, do it.
Why? Try this sad fact from Vigil: "Most homeless animals at Denver Animal Shelter don't have contact information to help staff get them back home."
Everybody knows Fentanyl and baking chocolate can kill Fido. But White Claw isn't so great either.
"New Year's Eve is a holiday synonymous with champagne and other alcoholic beverages, so be sure your pets don't have access to boozy beverages," Vigil writes. "Ingestion of alcohol by pets can lead to lethargy, an unsteady gait, vomiting, and dangerous drops in blood pressure and body temperature. Certain foods can also be toxic, including grapes/raisins, chocolate, macadamia nuts, and fatty foods (which can cause pancreatitis)."
She didn't say it, but the same probably goes with Gramps' blow, meth and LSD, so have him keep those locked up, too.
"If you fear your pet has eaten something dangerous, contact your veterinarian immediately or the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center at 888-426-4435," Vigil wrote. "Happy holidays to all!"
In the case that you or a friend overdose on your pet's drugs, welp, now you've done it. Call 9-1-1.
Oh...and let's say you don't have a pet, keeping one alive through New Year's Eve doesn't scare you, and you want to try one out? There's hope for you.
The Denver Animal Shelter has launched its Foster to Adopt program.
The shelter provides food, dishes, a bed, toys and other supplies. You provide love and a temporary home.
But let's say you don't want it to be temporary. If you decide you want to keep the animal you're caring for, the city will reduce your adoption fee to $20.22.
Go visit these needy animals at the shelter at 1241 W. Bayaud Ave. And if you get one before New Year's, follow all the safety tips above.
From Denver Animal Protection to you and your furry friends: "Happy holidays to all!"
