I was driving the streets of Aurora last month when I saw something unnerving: The full, uncensored body of the Denver Broncos horse.
OK, everybody knows this horse’s head. It’s really mean-looking, it has a beak for some reason, its neck bleeds into its head, its name is Miles, and altogether it’s fine. (Update: Yes, yes, most horses’ necks are indeed really big.)
There’s also a fuzzy mascot version, which I’m also fine with. He looks like a fairly chill horse with only a bit of a baditude.
But, anyway, as I drove through Aurora, I saw a truck.
Someone had taken the regular old beastly horse head and extended it by a few hands. Someone had brought Miles a step closer to real life, and now it can never be undone.
Here is what I saw, as presented under the fair-use clause of U.S. copyright law, and please don’t sue me Denver Broncos:
What is going on here?
Miles’ body is all one neck until you get to the legs, and the angle of his head is kind of gruesome, especially compared to his forelegs. I don’t even understand what he’s doing. He’s certainly not bucking. He appears to have seen a spider.
When you add in the whole body, Miles looks almost as disturbed as I am, probably because Miles just realized that Miles is a giant seahorse that grew legs.
And, of course, this turned out to be an actual piece of Broncos intellectual property. They use succulent seahorse Miles in some of their videos.
You know what I think?
I think that this new, ripped Broncos horse is in fact the same scrawny and awkward young colt in the team’s old logo.
Look at these arms! It’s obvious that Miles went to the gym but retains his central goofy demeanor. That or it’s just hard to draw horses. Either way, I identify.
I did find at least one guy on the internet who agrees with me on this design’s flaws. Mark Lilley redesigned the full-body logo so the horse is more horse-like. Miles ends up significantly more cuddly in this version, but I think it’s an improvement.