By Andrew Orvedahl, for Denverite
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the round of 16 of THINGS DENVER IS DOING WHILE SOCIALLY DISTANCING! If you’re not familiar, this started right here. I’m professional nitpicker and arguer Andrew Orvedahl, and I’ll be breaking the new matchups down for you! Stay a responsible six feet away and dig in, then vote below or just skip to voting right here!
Video Chat Cocktail Hour vs. Just Hold Your Pet Up On Video And Talk In Its Voice
This is perhaps the most Denver of all the match-ups. Video chat cocktail hour seems like a strong contender for its sheer instinctiveness and simplicity, but is there truly anything more instinctive than holding up living teddy bears and making dumb voices for them? This is a tough matchup and it’s impossible to say whether the people of Denver place a higher value on their alcohol or their dogs — only time will tell.
Call Old Friends vs. Convince Significant Other Beard Is ‘Totally Gonna Happen’
Can we learn to talk on the phone socially again? Whenever a friend calls me I brace for some incredibly bad news, but perhaps some ’90s nostalgia will bring us back. On the other hand, convincing your partner that you can grow a beard is a tough sell. If you could grow a cool beard, guess what? You’d have one, buster.
Watch Wildlife Webcams vs. Rewatch Six Seasons Of Something
What is a wildlife webcam but a season of the very best show: Mother Nature at work? [Window breaks as someone drives by and throws a brick at my head] That said, few things are more comforting than immersing yourself in a series you’ve already watched and grew to hate until its eventual dissatisfying conclusion.
Mutter vs. Oh ****, Didn’t Stock Up On Googly eyes
Look, we’re all muttering these days. It’s the bedrock of self-care; just wandering around the house, rassum frassuming under our breath. But what’s the counterpoint to all that muttering? Crafts. Specifically, putting googly eyes on any inanimate object that deserves sudden, cartoonish sight. Just because you can’t do outside doesn’t mean you can make oh so many new friends!
Census vs. Get Fit
These two contenders couldn’t be farther apart from one another. Filling out the census will have you sitting on your duff in front of your laptop, while getting fit means push-ups with your kid sitting on your back. Here’s what I propose: combine the two. A few squats, then fill out your list of occupants! A few burpees, your racial background! You’ll have lawfully answered your census and be a rippling fortress of muscle* in no time!
*Results may vary.
Deep Clean Everything vs. Yoga, But Just Child’s Pose
If you’re going to be stuck at home for a while, you may as well deep clean so it’s a nice place to hole up, right? Of course, where do you start? It’s mind-meltingly overwhelming. So do what you do when a yoga class is clearly out of your league and you’re worried you might lose a little brunch: child’s pose, baby. Just lay there and let the universe sort out your old magazines.
Get Good At Baking vs. Learn Viral Dances
Baking is more than a meditative, enjoyable pastime, it may soon be an actual survival skill. That said, in our current economy, being able to perform a popular viral dance will also soon become a survival skill. So, again, I must propose a mash-up. Just because you’re baking doesn’t mean you can’t nae nae (yes, I’m ancient) around the kitchen while you’re mixing your dry ingredients together!
Wine and Painting vs. Talk A Lot About Writing Novel
Let’s cut through the facade here: both of these options are a means to bypass a lack of talent. But slamming a few no-name reds and whipping out a refrigerator door-worthy landscape is at least producing something. Talking about writing a novel isn’t producing anything… other than eye rolls when the video chat ends.
Vote right here!
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Andrew Orvedahl was a comedian (back when people gathered in these festive rooms called “comedy clubs”), and is currently a freelance writer and game designer. He has a game company called Occupied Hex.